My depression today…
Thanks to my therapist, I was able to finally internalize
that when I’m in a depressive mood, it’s because it’s taking me closer to my
wounds. Wounds I would otherwise ignore if my grandiosity was still functional.
But it is now defunct, so I have to listen to my depressive mood and find out
what it’s telling me.. I’m sad that I can’t go back to my happy past. And I’m
raging mad on realizing that my past wasn’t happy, but a reward of being successful
at projecting my false self. Knowing that my good life wasn’t mine to own, and
would be withdrawn the instant my false self failed.
I’m dealing with a great range and cold fury against my
mother. I find myself deliberately going against her whims and training. I feel
free when I no longer cater to her or treat her special. I’m mad at how I gave
up my play time to cater to her, liking foods and snacks she liked. I had to
excel academically because it made her proud, and whenever someone beat me, I
would pay for failing her. I couldn’t participate in extra-curricular because
they brought no pride. Though they made me happy, I had to give them up.
That I couldn’t speak up when someone sexually assaulted me
at age six, because I was scared that I would embarrass her. I didn’t know it
was sexual assault, but I had seen her deal with someone who embarrassed her by
‘getting herself into trouble’ even when that person had no fault – her other
daughter; my younger sister.
I saw how she treated my younger sister with contempt
because she usually spoke her mind and lived in the moment. She was severely
beaten for mistakes I would be pardoned for. I got gifts even when she deserved
them. She got none when she deserved it but only got gifts when I got gifts
too. She would convince my dad to ignore my sister when she wanted a particular
favour withdrawn from her daughter.
I was so scared of losing her love because I saw firsthand
what she would do to me if she stopped loving me. I had to earn it. But, in my
early adulthood, I felt her full wrath because I made choices that went against
her. ‘Choices’ like developing fibromyalgia, being admired by males because I
was beautiful, choosing long straight hair and not liking her sense of fashion
and copying her. Loving my boyfriend and not dumping him because she didn't see
anything she could flaunt about him.. I idealized her. I knew my life would be
unbearable materially if she no longer loved me. The indignation of ‘poverty’
scared me to death. I still got my share
of punishments and beatings, but my false self always got me more rewards than
punishment. We weren't punished for what we did, but for how we made her feel
or how we made her look in front of others.
That is what the anger is doing to me now. It’s forcing me
to break that bond, by going against my training. Going against the program to
seek her love. Now on the other side, I feel a need to be selfish. I’m not sure
if it’s the right thing to do; I just feel the need to do it.
I guess that is why my dog is so spoilt. She doesn't behave
like a dog in my presence, but like a ‘person’ with choices, who ‘feels’ like she
can go against her training. She doesn’t do that to others – she is a very
disciplined, balanced, cooperative German Shepherd when being handled by
others. It’s like, with me, she can express herself as a dog… I guess I ‘trained’
her to have what I never had. The freedom to be bored, aroused by toys, be
happy for simple things that matter to her without worrying about repercussions
from me..
Feel free to weigh in. But, my depressive ‘mood’ has been
alleviated by this piece.
This is Serenity>>
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