Memoirs: Cold Fury..

My depression today…

Thanks to my therapist, I was able to finally internalize that when I’m in a depressive mood, it’s because it’s taking me closer to my wounds. Wounds I would otherwise ignore if my grandiosity was still functional. But it is now defunct, so I have to listen to my depressive mood and find out what it’s telling me.. I’m sad that I can’t go back to my happy past. And I’m raging mad on realizing that my past wasn’t happy, but a reward of being successful at projecting my false self. Knowing that my good life wasn’t mine to own, and would be withdrawn the instant my false self failed.

I’m dealing with a great range and cold fury against my mother. I find myself deliberately going against her whims and training. I feel free when I no longer cater to her or treat her special. I’m mad at how I gave up my play time to cater to her, liking foods and snacks she liked. I had to excel academically because it made her proud, and whenever someone beat me, I would pay for failing her. I couldn’t participate in extra-curricular because they brought no pride. Though they made me happy, I had to give them up.  

That I couldn’t speak up when someone sexually assaulted me at age six, because I was scared that I would embarrass her. I didn’t know it was sexual assault, but I had seen her deal with someone who embarrassed her by ‘getting herself into trouble’ even when that person had no fault – her other daughter; my younger sister.

I saw how she treated my younger sister with contempt because she usually spoke her mind and lived in the moment. She was severely beaten for mistakes I would be pardoned for. I got gifts even when she deserved them. She got none when she deserved it but only got gifts when I got gifts too. She would convince my dad to ignore my sister when she wanted a particular favour withdrawn from her daughter.

I was so scared of losing her love because I saw firsthand what she would do to me if she stopped loving me. I had to earn it. But, in my early adulthood, I felt her full wrath because I made choices that went against her. ‘Choices’ like developing fibromyalgia, being admired by males because I was beautiful, choosing long straight hair and not liking her sense of fashion and copying her. Loving my boyfriend and not dumping him because she didn't see anything she could flaunt about him.. I idealized her. I knew my life would be unbearable materially if she no longer loved me. The indignation of ‘poverty’ scared me to death.  I still got my share of punishments and beatings, but my false self always got me more rewards than punishment. We weren't punished for what we did, but for how we made her feel or how we made her look in front of others.

That is what the anger is doing to me now. It’s forcing me to break that bond, by going against my training. Going against the program to seek her love. Now on the other side, I feel a need to be selfish. I’m not sure if it’s the right thing to do; I just feel the need to do it.

I guess that is why my dog is so spoilt. She doesn't behave like a dog in my presence, but like a ‘person’ with choices, who ‘feels’ like she can go against her training. She doesn’t do that to others – she is a very disciplined, balanced, cooperative German Shepherd when being handled by others. It’s like, with me, she can express herself as a dog… I guess I ‘trained’ her to have what I never had. The freedom to be bored, aroused by toys, be happy for simple things that matter to her without worrying about repercussions from me..

Feel free to weigh in. But, my depressive ‘mood’ has been alleviated by this piece.

This is Serenity>>

More reads...

*

*

*

Feeding your dog raw

Raw diet for dogs is one avenue that isn't explored by pet owners.
Besides filling your dogs' bellies, food plays a role in the dog's immunity, appearance and even moods (yes.. dogs do get sugar-high!!).

What is raw.?
Raw diet can be partially or fully raw. Partial raw diet involved mixing raw meat and bones with cooked or processed dog food.
Full raw diet is entirely raw meat and bones, with complementary starch, veges and fruits to balance nutritional value.

Why raw?

While the debate is still on, it's important to note that dogs, by nature, are meat eaters, and not entirely omnivores.
Grain-based diets were introduced by man as a supplement since the canines entirely depended on man for food as they didn't have to hunt.
Dogs can digest certain grains, fruits and vegetables (cooked).

Raw diet is attributed to benefits such as:

* Increased calcium intake
* Cleaner teeth
* Shinier coats
* Smaller stool
* Higher energy levels

Racing greyhounds and sled-pulling dogs have long been on raw diet. This is due to the high protein profile of the diet, essential for the development of muscular dogs to perform the jobs they are bred to do.

Risks..
Raw diet poses some risk though. When not properly handled, there is risk of:
* Health risk from bacteria
* Potential of chocking from bones ( if you feed the dog small pieces or fish still on the bone. Avoid feeding dogs large fish unless its a fillet).
* Potential of teeth breaking (I personally find this risk unfounded since a dog will know how hard to bite on a bone to extract the marrow. Unless the dog is fed a dry or cooked bone, without meat, then the dog will stop crushing once the gums start to hurt).

A raw dog food diet typically consists of:

* Muscle meat, often still on the bone
* Bones, either whole or ground
* Organ meats such as livers and kidneys
* Chicken parts eg heads and feet
* Raw eggs
* Vegetables like broccoli, spinach, and celery
* Apples, avocado, pears or other fruit.
* Some dairy, such as yogurt, cheese and some cream.

Raw diet is an avenue that can be explored, provides the person handling the food is clean and thorough.
Plus, your dogs will definitely love it.

More reads...
* Canine distemper
* German shepherd dog
* Canine parvovirus
* Rabies

Source:
Permd.com
Woldtucker.co.uk